| High Impact Humor Joke Archives (Jokes posted on the home page during the past 30 days) |
Thursday, July 29 Moscow has been suffering through several days of record-setting high temperatures as well as smog due to peat fires around the city. *** It’s so bad that Muscovites are being politically incorrect just so they’ll get sent to Siberia. Researchers say that people who smoke pot are more likely to have schizophrenia. *** At least that’s what I heard from the voices in my head. Scientists will launch a 20-day expedition next month to create a 3-D map of the Titanic. *** Celine Dion wanted to do the soundtrack, but the scientists said they didn’t see much sense in having a 3-Dimensional project backed up by a 2-Dimensional voice. Wednesday, July 28 The teenage thief known as the “Barefoot Bandit” was re-captured in the Bahamas after being on the run for two years. *** He was found through the social networking site, “Feetbook.” (OK, another groaner) General Motors just announced that the Chevy Volt’s list price will be a whopping $41,000. *** You know, when you’re talking about an electric car, “sticker shock” can be really bad. The Vatican has just announced that a recently discovered painting of Saint Lawrence was not really done by the Renaissance artist Caravaggio. That conclusion was based on the fact that the perspective isn’t quite right, certain parts of the saint are awkwardly painted, *** and the whole thing was done on black velvet. Tuesday, July 27 An order of cloistered nuns has signed a recording contract for performing their Gregorian chants. *** Of course, if they were allowed to leave their Abbey, they could have appeared on their favorite TV show, “Vatican’s Got Talent.” Now that the BP oil well in the Gulf appears to have stopped leaking, attention is shifting to the massive clean- up job. *** In fact, James Cameron is going to use that as the theme of his next blockbuster movie—“Avatarball.” Surgical tools allegedly used for Elvis’ autopsy have been pulled from an auction because of doubts regarding their authenticity. *** Oh yeah? Well, who else would require a hair degreaser, a sideburn scraper and a jumpsuit opener? Monday, July 26 Anthropologists have reconstructed the image of a Mexican woman from recently discovered 10,000 year old human remains. *** Actually, her remains were found in Arizona, but she didn’t have any papers. General Motors is setting up some vehicle functions so they can be controlled by a smart phone. *** Oh, great. Now back seat drivers can just call in. In Milwaukee, Wisconsin a big Cadillac Escalade SUV was swallowed by a sinkhole. *** Uh-oh, it looks like Mother Nature is fighting back. Friday, July 23 Sylvester Stallone says that action hero movies changed with “Batman,” when Michael Keaton simply strapped on muscles with velcro. Stallone said he wishes he could have skipped the gym and just velcroed on some muscles. *** Yeah, and a brain. The teenager known as the “Barefoot Bandit” was re-captured in the Bahamas after being on the run for two years. *** The big break came when a smart detective realized that the fugitive might be disguising himself by wearing shoes. At a New Hampshire beach a huge jelly fish stung 100 people. *** That’s a lot, but it still doesn’t break the record held by Bernie Madoff. Thursday, July 22 Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich suddenly declined to testify at his corruption trial. *** What a shame—for several months he’s been planning to tell his side of the story, and when he finally gets the chance, it’ s a bad hair day. Two Russian art experts were fined for putting on an exhibition with provocative paintings, such as Jesus with Mickey Mouse’s head. *** Well, maybe Jesus had some special powers when dressing up for Halloween. The Statue of Liberty was evacuated this week when it began to fill with smoke. *** Perhaps an extreme hot flash? Wednesday, July 21 The Department of Agriculture in Guam turned away a ship because it was infested with thousands of spiders. *** Authorities said the official making that decision was a “Miss Muffet” (no first name). Tourists on the beach at the Sea of Azoz in southern Russia were shocked at the sight of donkey descending from the sky with a parachute. *** “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s...a Democrat!” A study by the University of California indicates that women can reduce the severity of hot flashes by losing a few pounds. *** But researchers are afraid to tell them. Tuesday, July 20 Former president Bill Clinton discussed his “bucket list” of things he wants to do before he dies, including running a marathon. *** Of course, if chasing women counts, he probably already ran a couple of them. Lindsay Lohan reportedly turned down an offer of $1 million dollars to star in the upcoming season of “Celebrity Rehab.” *** Which just goes to show that she’s hopelessly addicted making foolish decisions. A British company has invented chewing gum that doesn’t stick to things. *** So if you want to discard it on the underside of a table you have to use a tack. Monday, July 19 The frozen remains of a baby mammoth are being displayed in a French museum at a temperature of zero degrees Fahrenheit while scientists continue to study it and try to determine its gender. *** I can understand the gender confusion—at that temperature any parts indicating that it’s a boy have probably shriveled up to almost nothing. Wesley Snipes lost an appeal of his conviction for tax evasion and will begin serving a three year sentence. *** Or, as the judge put it, the Fraud Trilogy. Freed by Swiss authorities despite U.S. charges of relations with a 13 year old girl and statutory rape of another, Roman Polanski recently watched his wife perform at a jazz concert in Switzerland. *** I believe she was with the Geneva Junior High School band. Friday, July 16 Roy Rogers memorabilia brought in good money at a recent auction, including $266,000 for his beloved horse, Trigger, which had been stuffed by a taxidermist. *** And you ought to see the great job he did on Dale Evans. North Korea’s health care system is reportedly in shambles, with patients often having to bribe doctors with alcohol and cigarettes. *** You know, that’s a real shame. Doctors shouldn’t smoke. Therapists say that Mel Gibson’s recorded tirade to his ex-girlfriend was similar to rants by other men in the same situation, but meaner and more full of rage. *** So guys, the point is this: If you’re really upset with your ex- wife, have Mel call her. Thursday, July 15 The tough immigration law in Arizona apparently has a lot of Hispanic people worried. *** In fact, they’re so scared they won’t even go into a bookstore named “Borders.” Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson, the father of her child, say they are getting back together and will get married. *** The rumor is that it’s not exactly a shotgun wedding, but it does involve mama’s moose rifle. The Oregon legislature is planning to outlaw plastic bags. *** They’re so strict that when you ask a flight attendant for an airsickness bag they won’t be allowed to ask, “Paper or plastic?” Wednesday, July 14 A federal appeals court struck down an FCC rule that prohibited words that were “patently obscene” because it was too vague. *** Gee, I didn’t even know obscene words had to be patented. Britain has revoked the citizenship of confessed spy Anna Chapman. *** And also that of BP Chairman Tony Hayward. The White House said that the NASA administrator was wrong in saying that the agency’s top priority was reaching out to the Muslim world. *** The problem is that the phrase “reach out” has a very different meaning when used by an organization with rockets. Tuesday, July 13 Penthouse officials announced they are interested in buying Playboy Enterprises, but said it needs to be run like a 21st century company. *** Sorry Hef, but I think that means no more wearing pajamas to the board meetings. Scientists at MIT say they have invented a type of cloth that can actually listen. *** Now the tough part: They’ re going to try to replicate that same capability with children. Archaeologists in Jerusalem say they have found an artifact from the 14th century B.C. that has the first known writing on it. *** Think about it—the neat thing about having written the world’s first words means you can’t possibly have any spelling errors. Monday, July 12 In talking about LeBron James’ departure, Cleveland Mayor Frank Jackson said, “The city has a lot of assets that have sustained us in the past and will do so in the future.” *** However, he was unable to name any. The Reverend Robert H. Schuller is retiring as head of the Crystal Cathedral and his daughter will be taking his place. *** You know, she’s probably the only career woman who doesn’t mind a glass ceiling. Scientists are laying half-acre mats across the bottom of Lake Tahoe in an effort to eradicate an invasive clam species. *** Well, so much for the expression, “Happy as a clam.” Friday, July 9 There are rumors that the ten Russian agents arrested in the U.S. are going to be traded for spies that have been in Russian prisons for several years. *** You know, it’s hard to believe any trade rumor that doesn’t involve LeBron James. The new U.S. Cyber Command, which was formed to wage war over the Internet, has released its logo, which has 32 characters that supposedly form an encrypted message. *** My guess is that it says, “Your tax dollars at work. LOL.” In Egypt, archaeologists have discovered a 4,300 year old two-person tomb with extensive paintings and artifacts and an inscription on the door. *** I believe the inscription reads, “Act now! Big discounts for double occupancy!” Thursday, July 8 There was widespread flooding in Texas as the Rio Grande rose above its banks. *** You see, that’s what happens when too many illegal immigrants all cross the river at the same time. A study in the journal Biology Letters says that increased environmental noise in the oceans is now making whales “shout” to communicate with each other. *** So, right now there’s probably a whale out there yelling, “I SAID, WHERE IN THE &$@# DID ALL THIS %#$@ OIL COME FROM?” In Italy, nine people were treated for severe burns after walking barefoot on hot coals as part of a corporate event. *** It was a test to see if the sales department could convince them to do such a stupid thing. Wednesday, July 7 The city of Warren, Michigan announced it is going to require licenses for fortune tellers. *** But of course, they already knew that. Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in jail for violating terms of her probation, and website TMZ reported that afterwards Lindsay had only six words to say. *** I guess she forgot one of George Carlin’s seven. Six Israeli soldiers are in trouble because of a YouTube video in which they performed a hip-hop dance to “Tik Tok” while on patrol in Hebron. *** Good thing there wasn’t a camera a few minutes later when they performed the “Gaza Strip.” Tuesday, July 6 A Chinese court has sentenced an American geologist to 8 years in prison. *** No problem--he says he’s actually looking forward to working on the rock pile. Recent surveys show that among all northern states, Michigan ranks number one in unemployment and number one in obesity. *** See, I told you we’ve got a heck of a food stamp program. Portland, Oregon authorities are re-opening a 2006 case in which a woman claims to have been groped by Al Gore. *** In his defense, Mr. Gore says that he was drunk and mistook the lady for a tree. Friday, July 2 A Russian military analyst says the ten Russian agents arrested by the FBI did nothing wrong, and if they had just registered as lobbyists they would have been perfectly legal. *** And they could have gotten funding from TARP. The mother of one of the Russian agents arrested by the FBI said her daughter only got involved with the Russians because she loved Tchaikovsky. *** When the FBI heard that, they issued an arrest warrant for him, too. Portland, Oregon authorities are re-opening a 2006 case in which a woman claims she was groped by Al Gore. *** Unfortunately, she can’t recount many of the details because she got bored and fell asleep. Thursday, July 1 Many comic book fans are complaining that DC Comics is updating Wonder Woman, including a change from shorts to long trousers for the woman who has been saving the world for 69 years. *** Hey, I think after 69 years most women would stop wearing shorts. The FBI has arrested ten Russian agents who were trying to penetrate this country’s confidential policymaking circles, although a Russian official said that the incident would not harm U.S.-Russian relationships. *** And he got that information straight from a confidential policymaking circle. Elvis Presley archivists have just discovered three new photos of the pop star, showing him at age 22, wearing a black leather jacket and talking to fans through the entry gate at Graceland. *** That was actually a sad, pivotal moment in the King’s career, as one fan yelled out, “You know, you oughta wear a jumpsuit!” Wednesday, June 30 Senator Robert Byrd, who will be remembered for all the things he did to help his home state of West Virginia, has died at the age of 92. *** You know, many of his colleagues weren’t even born back when he first nominated West Virginia for statehood. A medical marijuana user is suing Walmart for firing him after he failed a drug test. *** Actually, the store just didn’t want a greeter who welcomed every customer with, “Hey, Dude.” The X Prize Foundation is considering giving a multimillion dollar award to for the best idea for cleaning up BP’ s Gulf oil spill, and officials they say they have already received 35,000 proposals. *** And I believe 20,000 of them involved towing CEO Tony Hayward behind a boat. Tuesday, June 29 The U.S. Air Force is reportedly thinking of retiring all of its B-1 bombers. *** And in related news, the U.S. Department of Agriculture just announced it may be getting a new fleet of supersonic crop dusters. The FBI has arrested 10 Russian agents who have been in the U.S. for several years for the purpose of penetrating policymaking circles. *** An FBI spokesman said the group would have been successful except for the fact that the U.S. hasn’t really made any policies for decades. The Supreme Court refused to take a position on whether certain online-shopping techniques are patentable. *** However, they did say that they’d like to see Amazon.com carry a bigger selection of black robes. Monday, June 28 CIA Director Leon Panetta says the Iranians have enough enriched uranium for two nuclear bombs. *** Well, let’s hope that the United States is their third most hated country. Barack Obama summoned General Stanley McChrystal to the White House because of his negative comments about the President’s administration, and then fired him. *** Of course, General McChrystal didn’t do himself any favors when he drove up to the main gate and said, “Excuse me, but is this the Wimp House?” Pope Benedict XVI lashed out at Belgian authorities after police investigating sex crimes conducted several raids, including the opening of a crypt. *** You know, it’s a sad day when you can’t even take your secrets to the grave. Friday, June 25 Workers in France are going on strike to protest raising the retirement age from 60 to 62. *** Well, they’re understandably upset. Now they’ll have to spend two more years feeling guilty about their 35 hour work week. The governor of Massachusetts chastised a school district for giving out condoms to students as early as elementary school. *** And he’s not very happy with their sex-at-recess program, either. A small earthquake rattled southeastern Michigan this week, although people who had left the state for new jobs missed all the excitement. *** I’ve always said that Michigan was a state of movers and shakers. (groan) Thursday, June 24 The last World War II Navajo “code talker,” Clarence Wolf Guts, died last week at the age of 86. *** Using Clarence for battle communications was a brilliant idea. Even if the enemy broke the code, they would never believe a message sent by someone named Wolf Guts. A group of California seventh graders studying images of Mars apparently discovered a cave on its surface. *** They also claim to have seen Osama bin Laden peeking out. Convicted financier Bernie Madoff confided in another inmate that he believed his wife was having an affair. *** And he was especially furious to learn that the other man was a certain “Mr. Ponzi.” Wednesday, June 23 A zoo in China is giving dogs a makeover to make them look like other animals. For example, putting stripes on them and calling them tigers. *** Or covering them with oil and calling them pelicans. The man who attempted to set off a car bomb in Times Square pleaded guilty, and said he wanted to “plead guilty 100 times.” *** I believe the last person to admit guilt that many times was David Letterman. In an interview with Rolling Stone Magazine, General Stanley McChrystal, the head of our troops in Afghanistan, said that people in the White House were “wimps.” He has now been summoned to the White House to explain his comments. *** Why? “Wimp” isn’t in the dictionary? Tuesday, June 22 World Cup soccer officials are considering banning the vuvuzela, a horn that makes an obnoxious screeching sound. *** For those of you who haven’t heard one, just imagine Joan Rivers with a megaphone. California may be going to digital license plates. In addition to the actual plate number, the devices can also show other information the drivers want to display to their fellow motorists. *** Like how much they paid for their car. A recent survey has shown that many parents don’t realize that their toddlers are overweight. *** Although they should have gotten a hint when they had to buy a motorized stroller. Monday, June 21, 2010 Italian cheese makers say they can’t explain why recent batches of mozzarella balls have been turning blue. *** Based on personal experience, I’d say it’s probably because they’re cold. The Associated Press has released a detailed timeline of Michael Jackson’s last day. *** It shows that the paramedics would have gotten to his bedside a lot sooner if they hadn’t insisted on moonwalking through the house. This weekend Sweden’s crown princess married her fitness trainer. *** Hundreds of dignitaries from around the world were there to watch them jog up the aisle. |