| High Impact Humor Joke Archives (Jokes posted on the home page during the past 30 days) |
Thursday, Feb 9 According to Wisconsin authorities, a Milwaukee man died in his home in 2007 but for four years no one realized he was dead. *** Must have been a Vice President. There’s a new product called “AeroShot” that lets users inhale their caffeine in the form of a powder. *** And for a real morning treat, you can mix in little chunks of donut. Officials in Washington State are investigating the outbreak of an intestinal illness that hit hundreds of people at a high school cheerleading competition. *** Give me a “V”...Give me an “O”...Give me an “M”... Wednesday, Feb 8 On Monday, the Georgia Supreme Court overturned a law that had restricted assisted suicides. *** Now, was it really wise to do that the day after the Super Bowl? Clint Eastwood is strongly denying that his patriotic Super Bowl ad for Chrysler was intended to support President Obama. *** The director and star of the movie “Gran Torino” also denied that the spot was a promo for his newest action movie, “Grand Cherokee.” Boeing says Dreamliner 787 production will not be delayed by a structural problem recently found in the aft fuselage. *** However, passengers are being advised to select seats in the forward section. Tuesday, Feb 7 Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds are starring in a new action movie, “Safe House.” *** Actually, these day’s it’s fairly easy to spot a CIA safe house. It’s the only one on the block without a for-sale sign or a foreclosure notice. Roosevelt University in Chicago is offering a class on the “Occupy Wall Street” movement. *** Most students have already taken the pre-requisite class, “Occupy Cancun.” Wal-Mart has announced a big change: Greeters will no longer be at the entrance, but will now be in the middle of the store to help shoppers find things. *** And, from now on they will be known as “Pointers.” Monday, Feb 6 American Airlines is cutting 13,000 employees. *** Now in-flight service is a bit slower. When a passenger presses the call button the airlines places a help wanted ad. McDonald’s announced it is no longer processing hamburger meat with ammonium hydroxide, a compound that is also used to make explosives. *** However, explosive ingredients are still being used down at Taco Bell. Golfer Phil Mickelson has filed a lawsuit against an Internet provider to find out who has been posting “vexatious statements” about him. *** Actually, he plans on catching the culprit by monitoring the Internet and seeing who Googles the word “vexatious.” Friday, Feb 3 President Obama’s old Chrysler is for sale on e-Bay for $1 million. *** That’s a lot of money for a Chrysler; in fact, that’s more than Fiat paid for the whole company. The drug company Pfizer is recalling one million packets of birth control pills because packaging errors could result in some women getting pregnant. *** Those women would really be upset; the rabbit would be devastated. France announced its combat troops will be leaving Afghanistan in 2013. *** Well, the French army has really come a long way. Now they plan their retreats a year in advance. Thursday, Feb 2 Nearly 40% of the Republican voters in Florida wish there was a better GOP presidential candidate. *** So, here’s my question: God told Michelle Bachmann to run, he told Herman Cain to run, and he told Rick Perry to run. Why didn’t he tell a good candidate to run? First Lady Michelle Obama was on the Tonight Show last night, promoting her health oriented program, “Let’s Move!” *** It was very educational. Previously, I thought “Let’s Move!” was the program that encourages Mexicans to go north. Paula Abdul has left the TV show “The X Factor.” *** She was disappointed. She had thought it was going to be a program about former husbands and wives. Wednesday, Feb 1 A White House spokesman has denounced a GOP comment that President Obama is like the Italian captain who abandoned his sinking ship. *** That’s right! President Obama is sticking with this sinking ship! Yeah! Vice President Joe Biden says he advised President Obama to not approve the raid on Osama bin Laden. *** Which is probably why he went ahead and approved it. Newt Gingrich said that if he was elected president, on the first day he would dismantle 40% of Barack Obama’ s government, repeal Obama’s health care, and get rid of all the czars. *** And then he’d kick Obama’s mother-in-law out of the White House. Tuesday, Jan 31 The latest food delicacy in Thailand is elephant sex organs. *** I think we’re going to need a bigger plate. Outside the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, female protestors got media attention by going topless. *** Now, you see, if the Occupy Wall Street protestors had been just as creative we would have let them stay. Fox News host Chris Wallace says the GOP presidential debates are “stupid” and it’s like people watching a car race and hoping to see a wreck. *** That’s not true. OK, maybe it was true when Rick Perry was running... Monday, Jan 30 Officials in Turkey are furious at Rick Perry’s comment that Turkey’s leaders are “Islamic terrorists.” *** In an effort to calm things down, Mr. Perry said he meant to say, “Islamic tourists.” A few people have asked for refunds at the movie “The Artist” because they didn’t realize it was a silent film. *** Appropriately, the producers had no comment. The Japanese company Sega has come out with an electronic game for urinals in bars; it’s controlled by the strength and volume of the urine stream. *** The good news: the more beer you drink the better you play. The bad news: you probably can’t invite your girlfriend to watch. Friday, Jan 20 The Iranian government, which captured an American stealth drone back in December, refuses to return it but said it will send President Obama a toy scale model of the aircraft. *** President Obama said he would, in return, send Iran a scale model of a cruise missile... followed by a real one within 24 hours. A federal judge in Philadelphia has found a woman guilty of defrauding her employer out of a million dollars and then taking her daughter to Disneyland. *** Just think, her boss could have avoided all that misery just by putting up a sign saying, “Must be this tall to embezzle funds.” For single people there’s a new app developed by a British company that beams their cell phone signals into outer space so they can meet alien life forms. *** Or, they can just check out the night clubs in Los Angeles. Thursday, Jan 19 PBS is going to air a four hour documentary on Bill Clinton with quite a bit of coverage of his extra-marital affairs. *** Actually, there was even more material, but you need to call your doctor if you have a documentary lasting more than four hours. According to an article in the “Archives of Dermatology,” while they were trapped underground the 33 Chilean miners had been given special socks impregnated with copper which apparently cured a fungus infection on their feet. *** President Obama’s health care plan offers a similar but lower cost treatment for foot fungus: They mail you eight pennies to stick between your toes. John McCain says selecting Sarah Palin as his running mate was the best decision he ever made. *** You know, Michelle Bachman said God told her to run, Rick Perry said God told him to run, and Herman Cain said God told him to run. But if there was ever a political move you’d really want to blame on God, selecting Sarah Palin would be it. Wednesday, Jan 18 Mitt Romney gave a handful of cash to needy supporter in South Carolina. *** Actually, a lot of politicians do that, but usually they call it hush money. According to an article in Cosmopolitan magazine, Women who have one or two glasses of wine a day are less likely to gain weight. *** But women who regularly have four or five glasses of wine are more likely to gain weight...by getting pregnant. Jon Huntsman dropped out of the presidential race and put his support behind Mitt Romney. *** Rick Perry was kind of hoping he’d get the people in South Carolina who would have voted for Huntsman—That way he could claim 1% of the votes without having to round up. Tuesday, Jan 17 Animal rights groups were upset when they heard the Navy might use dolphins for the dangerous task of finding explosive mines in the Strait of Hormuz. *** But they were relieved when they found out the Navy was just referring to the Miami Dolphins. Have you seen those photos of the luxury accommodations in New York’s Lenox Hill Hospital where Beyonce delivered her new daughter, Blue Ivy Carter? According to TMZ, Beyonce and husband Jay-Z rented a total of four VIP suites. *** That wasn’t a birth...that was a coming out party. Some North Koreans have been sentenced to six months in a labor-training camp for not crying enough at memorial services for Kim Jong il. *** Now after every service the ground is littered with nose hairs. Monday, Jan 16 According to the Centers for Disease Control, murder has dropped off the list of the top 15 causes of death in America for the first time in 45 years. *** So, the message is this: If you want to kill someone, you better hurry up and do it before they die of something else. North Korea has announced that Kim Jung il’s body will lie in state on display forever, right alongside the body of his father, Kim il Sung. *** Raise your hand if you think this is taking “like father like son” a bit too far. Italian “shock photographer” Oliviero Toscani has created a calendar for a group of leather companies and each month features a close-up photo of a man’s uh...private parts. *** I wonder if “Mr. February” is offended at being associated with a short month. Friday, Jan 13 Ron Paul has been criticizing the media for its coverage of his presidential campaign. *** He preferred the coverage in his earlier campaigns—when reporters sent in their stories with Morse code. Human rights activists are upset that some tribal women in India are lured into dancing naked for tourists in exchange for food. *** Of course, no one seems to object if it takes place in New York City and involves a brass pole. First Lady Michelle Obama says she is tired of hearing that “angry black woman” stereotype. *** She said her husband isn’t anything like that. Thursday, Jan 12 The Los Angeles City Council has tentatively approved a resolution that would require all porn stars to use a condom during filming. *** Now the producers just need to decide whether the responsibility will fall under “Wardrobe” or “Props.” New York City officials predict that in 2012 the city will attract over 50 million visitors. *** Or, in other words, 200 million pockets to pick. On Tuesday, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists advanced its “Doomsday Clock” by one minute, so it’s now set at 5 minutes to midnight. *** Gee, I didn’t think the results of the New Hampshire primary were that awful. Wednesday, Jan 11 NASA officials are questioning whether Apollo 13 commander James Lovell had the right to sell his flight notes, which were auctioned last November for $388,000. *** “Houston, we have a profit.” Actor Woody Harrelson said he fell into a deep depression after seeing the first cut of his latest movie, “Rampart.” *** He was especially upset that they had taken out all the scenes where he served beer to some guy named Norm. Rapper Snoop Dogg was arrested in Hudspeth County, Texas for marijuana possession. He claimed to have a prescription for it in California, but Texas has a policy of zero tolerance for marijuana. *** In fact, in that part of Texas, you can get arrested just for being in possession of two Willy Nelson albums. Tuesday, Jan 10 The top movie at the box office this weekend was “The Devil Inside,” a story about someone controlled by evil forces. *** Or as President Obama calls it: Congress. When a woman got out of her car at an Oklahoma City gas station, the static electricity from her butt sliding across the seat created a spark that caused a gasoline explosion. *** Think about it: Just by getting out of her car Kim Kardashian could start a forest fire. A lot of strange characters have come to New Hampshire for GOP primary. There’s Ru Paul, the drag queen who pretends to be a woman. *** And there’s Mitt Romney, the moderate who pretends to be a conservative. Monday, Jan 9 The divorce between Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the couple that crashed a White House dinner a couple years ago, is really getting bitter. She called him a “rageholic” and he called her a “groupie slut.” *** Actually, it turns out they did have an invitation to that White House event, but they were embarrassed to show it because it was addressed to “Rageholic and Groupie Slut Salahi.” A company in Sweden is developing a computer in which the mouse functions can be controlled by eye movements. *** New sexual harassment allegation: “He was scrolling me with his eyes.” A Chicago cop who gave a woman a speeding ticket later tracked down her parked car and left a note asking for a date. In response, she hit him with a lawsuit. *** Wow...I’ll bet his radar never saw that coming. Friday, Jan 6 The number of people patrolling our border with Mexico is being reduced by 75%. *** Border security is so ineffective that they decided to replace 1,200 National Guardsmen with 300 former greeters from Wal-Mart. Wegmans supermarket chain had suspended its TV ads featuring Alec Baldwin because of his airplane antics, but they are now resuming those ads because of public support for Mr. Baldwin. Wegmans is an 85 year old business that pioneered the concept of “one-stop shopping.” *** Of course, that has now been replaced by “NON-stop shopping.” (Not to be confused with Mr. Baldwin’s “non-stop gaming.”) Comcast and the Walt Disney Company have agreed to a ten-year partnership. *** Of course, Comcast’s service has always been somewhat “Mickey Mouse,” but now it’s official. Thursday, Jan 5 Aretha Franklin is engaged. *** It will be her third marriage, but she’s so excited about this one that she’s going to have the pre-nup put to music. The Las Vegas Hilton has changed its name to the Las Vegas Hotel and Casino because its licensing agreement with the Hilton company has expired. *** Hilton lawyers are now hoping to find a licensing expiration date for Paris Hilton. Police in San Diego have captured the fugitive who escaped from prison by driving away in a fire truck. *** They just started a fire and then arrested him when he showed up. Wednesday, Jan 4 Last week a South Korean delegation attended memorial services for Kim Jong Il. *** But the North Koreans confiscated all their party hats and noisemakers. Two American women from the 17th and 19th centuries have been approved for sainthood and are expected to be canonized later this year. *** Their selection is highly unusual. Normally sainthood in the U.S. involves either the Super Bowl or the World Series Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler is engaged to Erin Brady. *** They’ve already picked out a beautiful wedding gown...but they’re not sure what the bride will wear. Tuesday, Jan 3 Because Americans have gotten so obese, officials in Washington State have lowered the maximum number of people on the Puget Sound ferries. For example, a boat that used to have a 2,000 passenger capacity can now carry only 1,750. *** Also, for safety, any passenger who wants to move to one side of the ferry must get another passenger to move to the opposite side. Several leading plastic surgeons in France are recommending the government pay for the removal of dangerous breast implants that were made with cheap industrial silicone. *** I agree, but frankly, the patients should have gotten suspicious when they saw the tube of silicone caulk with the Home Depot price tag. FBI officials in California now believe that the so-called “Geezer Bandit” might actually be a young person wearing a disguise. They based this theory on a further review of the bank surveillance films. *** And the fact that several robberies occurred at the same time as the early bird specials. |