Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills   (Updated each weekday)
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Thursday, Apr 18

In spite of the extensive damage to Notre Dame Cathedral, firefighters were able to save some of the
Catholic Church’s most cherished items:  revered holy relics, priceless works of art…
  ***  …and the
wicker baskets that collect the Sunday offering.

Wednesday, Apr 17

In the wake of the extensive fire damage to the Notre Dame Cathedral, leaders around the world are
offering assistance: The president of the Czech Republic has offered experts who restored the
Prague Castle, officials in Greece have offered technicians experienced in the restoration of Greek
monuments  …
  ***  …and, if they’ll give him naming rights, President Trump has offered to turn it into a
magnificent hotel.

Tuesday, Apr 16

In an effort to eradicate invasive pythons in Florida, scientists are putting tracking devices on male
snakes to lead them to the females.
 ***  Dating is probably a bit awkward when you have to make sure your
new boyfriend isn’t being followed.

Monday, Apr 15

Delta Airlines is reducing the amount seats can recline on selected aircraft because some
passengers are apparently uncomfortable with the intrusion into their “personal space.”
Unfortunately, Delta was not able to resolve their concerns through professional counseling at the departure gate.

Friday, Apr 12

Former Pope Benedict XVI has broken his silence on the sex abuse crisis and says it was partially
caused by the sexual revolution of the 1960’s.  
 ***   I knew it was a bad idea to send all those priests to

Thursday, Apr 11

A man who had just gotten out of a Florida jail was arrested for breaking into cars in the jail’s parking
 ***  He was charged with three counts of stupidity.

Wednesday, Apr 10

A woman in Dubai is facing jail time for a Facebook post in which she referred to her ex-husband’s
new wife as a horse.   
 ***   Well, at the wedding, when the minister asked, “Do you take this man…?” the bride
stomped her foot three times.

Tuesday, Apr 9

A fashion store named “Forever 21” has launched a line of clothes that look like U.S. Postal Service
 ***  It’s a very cool look…if you don’t mind strangers stopping you on the street and demanding to
know why their mail is late.

Monday, Apr 8

As he nears the end of his prison sentence, Anthony Weiner—the disgraced former congressman—
has been designated a “Level 1” sex offender, which means he must register as a sex offender for
the next 20 years.
 ***  Well, he got off easy – at Level 2 he would have had many more restrictions, and at
Level 3 they would  have welded his zipper shut.

Friday, Apr 5

A woman with two Chinese passports managed to sneak through security at Mar-A-Lago with four cell
phones, a laptop, a hard drive and a thumb drive containing computer malware, but President Trump
said he’s “not concerned at all.”
 ***  Well, you know, it’s not like she was a Democrat.

Thursday, Apr 4

A Taco Bell manager in Portland, Oregon, who was caught assaulting and screaming at a pregnant
worker, has been ordered to perform 100 hours of community service, take anger management
 ***  and stay away from the Diablo hot sauce.

Wednesday, Apr 3

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has rejected a plea deal on charges of soliciting
prostitution, and he’s accusing the government of violating his Fourth Amendment rights.
  ***   That
must be the right to the pursuit of happiness.

Tuesday, Apr 2

In a recent interview, Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover girl Chrissy Teigen said the 20 pounds she
gained after childbirth is her “new normal.”
    ***   She also apologized and said the next time she’s on the
cover of SI it will probably require extra postage.

Monday, Apr 1

Actress Lori Loughlin, who is accused in the college admissions scam, was recently approached by
reporters as she left her yoga class.
  ***   She told them she believes that yoga will provide her with the
flexibility, dexterity and agility to wiggle out of a conviction.

Friday, Mar 29

The spacewalk for a female astronaut aboard the International Space Station was cancelled because
her spacesuit did not fit properly.
 ***   The blame is being placed on the mission commander, who was unable
to come up with a proper reply when asked, “Does this spacesuit make me look fat?”

Thursday, Mar 28

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos is being widely criticized for slashing the Special Olympics
 ***  She said the funds are being re-directed to a new competition for disadvantaged young adults with
bone spurs.

Wednesday, Mar 27

According to CNN, Justin Bieber plans to address some emotional health issues and will temporarily
“step away from music.”
  ***   Awwww, and he was so close.

Tuesday, Mar 26

Six states ordered a recall of avocados because of concerns that they were contaminated with
 ***   However, officials later apologized and said they didn’t realize that avocados are supposed to be
mushy, weird-looking and relatively tasteless.

Monday, Mar 25

Tiffany & Co. just released its quarterly financial results and said revenue was down significantly
because of slow Christmas gift sales.
  ***   Gee, I always thought they made most of their money on

Friday, Mar 22

After Prince Charles had vacationed in Barbados, his lawyers complained about the paparazzi
invading his privacy and taking unflattering photos, such as shots of him in a swimsuit  
 ***   or with

Thursday, Mar 21

Because of an increased need to rescue poorly prepared hikers, the Italian villages of Cinque Terra
are now fining tourists for wearing flip-flops on area trails.
 ***   Officials said people with ill-suited footwear
wasn’t a big problem until WalMart began offering bus tours.

Wednesday, Mar 20

In a CNN town hall, presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren said she wants to get rid of the Electoral
  ***  President Trump tweeted his disagreement and said, “Hey, just because they had that big
admission scam…”

Tuesday, Mar 19

The recent college admissions scam involved several top schools, including Stanford, Yale and UCLA,
but there seems to be no evidence that it offered admissions to Harvard.
 ***   This prompted Harvard’s
president to comment, “Hey, what are we – chopped liver?”

Monday, Mar 18

President Trump told Fox News to put Jeanine Pirro back on the air after she had been suspended for
her Islamophobic comments.
 ***  A Fox executive immediately scolded the President, saying, “Hey, you can’t
tell us how to run our network…just because we tell you how to run your country.”
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