Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills   (Updated each weekday)
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Friday, Sep 21

A 7-Eleven clerk in Ferndale, Michigan has been arrested and charged with embezzlement.
 ***  Acting
on an anonymous tip, police raided her home and found a veritable fortune in stolen Slurpees.


Thursday, Sep 20

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is apparently a stickler for proper punctuation and he had his staff
send out two memos to State Department employees instructing them on the correct use of commas.
 
***  Russia’s election meddling is one thing, but who would have thought that our own Secretary of State would be
a commanist.


Wednesday, Sep 19

Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin got their marriage license in Los Angeles last week.  ***  Marriage
license applications are bit different in L.A.  To expedite future paperwork, couples also need to submit a
preliminary list of all their irreconcilable differences.     


Tuesday, Sep 18

In the high winds of Hurricane Florence, a North Carolina family that had to be rescued after refusing
to evacuate explained, “We thought we’d be safe in brick house.”
 ***   Folks, it’s never a good idea to
base your survival strategy on a story you read in a children’s book.


Monday, Sep 17

In New Mexico, authorities recently evacuated the Sunspot Solar Observatory near Roswell, the site
of a rumored space alien landing.
 ***  There was no explanation for the evacuation; a spokesman said you
just don’t question an order from the mothership.


Friday, Sep 14

President Trump is claiming that federal assistance to Puerto Rico in the wake of Hurricane Maria was
an “unsung success.”
 ***  To make sure that doesn’t happen with the current storm, the White House has
already started holding auditions for “Florence, the Musical.”


Thursday, Sep 13

In Livonia, Michigan, traffic on I-275 was disrupted Wednesday morning due to a “hazardous material”
incident.  
 ***  A police spokesperson said there was a serious accident involving several cars and a water truck
from Flint.


Wednesday, Sep 12

There are more and more rumors that Howard Schultz, the former CEO of Starbucks, is planning to run
for president.  
 ***   Great—instead of a leader who spends so much time on the golf course, we’ll have one who
runs the country from a laptop computer at the corner table in a coffee shop.


Tuesday, Sep 11

Mattress Firm Inc., the largest U.S. mattress retailer, announced they may file for bankruptcy.  ***   No
wonder the company’s in trouble—every time they need to make a decision they say they’ll have to sleep on it.


Monday, Sep 10

In explaining why she did not tell President Trump about Bob Woodward’s request for an interview,
Kellyanne Conway said Mr. Woodward could have just called the switchboard.
 ***   She seemed perfectly
sincere…until she wrinkled her nose and said, “One ringy dingy…two ringy dingy…”


Friday, Sep 7

The FBI has recovered Judy Garland’s “Wizard of Oz” ruby red slippers that gave Dorothy the power
to click her heels together three times and suddenly be home.
 ***   After reading that news, President
Trump ordered a pair of ruby red golf shoes; he wants to click his heels three times and suddenly be on a golf
course.


Thursday, Sep 6

In a recent interview, the CEO of Jetco Delivery said that new technologies will make truck driving fun
again.
  ***   Actually, I heard that’s what truck stops are for.


Wednesday, Sep 5

Disneyland is now offering alcoholic drinks for the first time in the park’s history.   ***   But it’s a little
embarrassing for guys who want bourbon and have to order a “Mickey Mouse on the rocks.”


Tuesday, Sep 4

At Aretha Franklin’s funeral, a steady stream of speakers talked about the Queen of Soul and her
place in heaven for all eternity.
 ***   The concept of “eternity” can be difficult to fully comprehend, but after
the 8 hour service most attendees had a pretty good idea.


Monday, Sep 3

A can of pepper spray accidentally discharged on a Hawaiian Airlines flight from California to Maui. ***
According to eyewitness reports, it panicked the passengers, shocked the flight attendants and woke up the pilots.
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