Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills   (Updated each weekday)
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Tuesday, Nov 13


According to the NASA website, some Christmas lights are visible from space.
  ***   In fact, the agency
admitted that the space shuttle’s primary navigation aid was Clark Griswold’s house.


Monday, Nov 12

American Airlines is now offering early-boarding to passengers with nut allergies so they can wipe
down their own seating areas.
 ***   Previously, early-boarding for wipe down was only offered to a Mr. Adrian
Monk.


Friday, Nov 9

In Michigan, Oakland County is now hiring snow plow drivers, but says the positions will be part-time.  
***  However, they did not give a reason for that optimism.


Thursday, Nov 8

A house in Fresno, California suffered major fire damage after the owner tried to kill black widow
spiders with a blowtorch.
 ***   Actually, the guy was too smart to try to burn the spiders--he just set his house
on fire so the fire hoses would drown them.


Wednesday, Nov 7

Delta Airlines has apologized to a man who had to sit in a feces-splattered seat that had not been
cleaned.  
***  An airline spokesman explained that the previous flight was a little rough, and some passengers did
not have their bowels in the upright and locked position.


Tuesday, Nov 6

Destiny’s Child singer Michelle Williams recently revealed her struggle with depression.   ***   I don’t
know Destiny, but some parents just need to be a little more supportive of their kids.


Monday, Nov 5

After the turmoil of his confirmation process, new Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh will not
participate in the tradition of walking down the marble steps of the Supreme Court Building following
his investiture because of concerns for his safety.
 ***  Maybe they could install a handrail?


Friday, Nov 2

As a Halloween promotion, Reese’s designed a vending machine that allows kids to exchange
unwanted candy for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  
 ***   Meanwhile, for adults who want to exchange things
they don’t like, we have the mid-term elections.


Thursday, Nov 1

After speaking at a Mike Pence rally in Michigan, a Messianic Jewish rabbi was criticized for saying
Jesus is “the Messiah,” which is contrary to the beliefs of mainstream Jews.
 ***  And the White House.


Wednesday, Oct 31

Near Phoenix, Arizona, a 60 year old man was rescued three days after falling into a mine shaft, where
he suffered a broken leg, internal bleeding, dehydration and encounters with rattlesnakes.
 ***  But, he
said it was still a lot better than being around all the mid-term election campaigns.


Tuesday, Oct 30

Meghan Markle reportedly cut short her visit to a Fiji marketplace because of security concerns.   ***   
Actually, it was because all the vendors refused her demands for a “princess discount.”


Monday, Oct 29

Reports from Mexico say people in the caravan traveling toward the U.S. border have been smoking
marijuana.
  ***   Actually, that’s good news; they may be heading to Canada.


Friday, Oct 26

In the flurry of letter bombs recently sent out, one of them had been mis-addressed and was returned
to sender.   ***
  Police suddenly remembered a similar scenario many years ago and have put out an APB for a
Wile E. Coyote.


Thursday, Oct 25

Dorcas Reilly, the woman who invented the green bean casserole while working at Campbell Soup,
has died at the age of 92.
 ***  Funeral services will be held this Saturday, followed by a luncheon. In lieu of
casserole dishes, the family is requesting flowers.


Wednesday, Oct 24

Using computer graphics software, researchers in England have been able to create an image of “the
world’s sexiest man.”
 ***  Actually, it was easy—they just took a picture of a random guy and then
Photoshopped him holding the winning $1.6 billion lottery ticket.


Tuesday, Oct 23

For six years Wikileaks’ Julian Assange has been sheltered in Ecuador’s embassy in London, but now
he is suing his hosts because they are making him personally take care of his cat and jamming his
access to the Internet.
 ***  I can certainly understand Mr. Assange’s outrage—there’s nothing worse than
having a cat and not being able to post videos on Facebook.


Monday, Oct 22

Today President Trump will attend a Houston rally to praise Ted Cruz, but some people are accusing
him of hypocrisy because during the presidential campaign he referred to Mr. Cruz as “Lyin’ Ted.”
***  
Duh, it was a compliment.


Friday, Oct 19

A Chechen woman who claims to be 129 years old says she has had a rough life and only recalls one
day when she was truly happy.
 ***  On the other hand, her memory only goes back about a day and a half.


Thursday, Oct 18

A high school student in Davis, California has been accused of giving classmates cookies that
contained her grandmother’s ashes.
  ***   School officials became suspicious when students began using
their smart phones to watch reruns of “Matlock.”


Wednesday, Oct 17

To strengthen his role in royal family, Prince Harry has just been given the additional title of “personal
aide-de-camp to the queen.”
 ***  That means he’ll have to assist the 92 year old monarch if she ever decides
to go camping.


Tuesday, Oct 16

The U.S. Postal Service is proposing an increase of five cents for a first class stamp.   ***   OK, so now
we’re back to the original definition of “going postal.”


Monday, Oct 15

President Trump is scheduled to participate in a live interview on Fox News tonight.   ***   However, it’s
expected to be very scripted:  Prior to the session, Mr. Trump will give Fox a list of all the questions to ask…and
Fox will give him a list of all the answers.
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